I've been engaged in personal development pretty much my whole life. It really started when I was a teenager and I took the EST training.

Have you heard of it?

It was intense.

I enrolled when I was just 16. The problem was that the minimum age for enrollment was 18. So I lied about my age to get in. It wasn't really a great start for a program focused on integrity, but somehow I was allowed to stay through that first training weekend and completed the course.

I was hooked! I loved how people were encouraged to be real, messy and imperfect. I loved how alive I felt when I was bringing all of me, the real me, to that experience.

The EST Training sparked my interest in what has been a lifelong journey and exploration of who I want to be and how I show up in the world. Throughout my life I have experienced a variety of approaches. I've taken workshops, read books, attended seminars and worked with a coach. Each experience taught me something valuable.

Some of these experiences were supercharged. A long weekend with Tony Robbins is like going to a therapeutic rock concert. It’s intense and exhilarating and exhausting. People are inspired to be and do better for themselves when they leave.

And yet for me, the pull of the status quo has always been so strong that unless I had some sort of structure or system in place, I just would go back to my old ways. It was the path of least resistance.
In my work with teams and organizations, I see a similar trend.

Sometimes people call me and they're excited about engaging in a workshop experience with their team. They’ll say, “I really want to create some change in my team. What can you give me in half a day?”

Sure you may inspire some new thinking in a half day, or provide a new perspective. And it’s really just the beginning of a conversation. In order to create real sustainable change that has a lasting impact, we have to commit to practicing new behaviors over time.

What's your experience with making lasting changes?  How have you been successful in adopting new behaviors and habits?

I'd love to hear your thoughts. And as you embrace new ways of being, remember to be brave, be kind and take good care.

Have you ever noticed that some people have two versions of themselves?

They have their real self and then they have their work self, and the two can be very different.

Why might someone do that?

Why might somebody choose not to bring their real, genuine self to work?

I had a mentor who said that we take our representatives to work. You drive up to your workplace, park your car, and then you leave your real self behind in the car. Maybe you put the window down for her so she has some air, but you want her to stay there where it's safe and protected.

Then you take your representative inside to interact with others. It's your representative who risks rejection, blame and criticism and your real self is safe and protected.

When a mistake is made or efforts are criticized, the representative doesn't get hurt because it's just a facade. It's not the real person, the tender vulnerable being who cares what people think and wants to belong.

This might be an effective tactic short term, but long term, it doesn't work. We are hardwired for connection. We need to feel connected to other people and recognized and valued for who we are and what we contribute.

This sense of belonging that comes from being seen and appreciated creates sustainability and retention in the workplace and increases engagement.

Brené Brown makes the distinction between fitting in and belonging. She says that fitting in requires us to change who we are. Belonging allows us, requires us to be who we are.

The message of fitting in is ”How do I mold and protect myself so that I'm safe in this environment?” When we focus on belonging, the message is that “I show up and engage as my real self, my full self, and I'm accepted - not in spite of who I am, but because of who I am.”

Do you bring your real self to work? Do you feel a sense of belonging or do you feel like you have to change yourself to fit in? And if it's your representative showing up and not the real you, what's the cost of that choice?

Until next time, time, be brave, be kind and take good care.

We’ve all done things that we wish we could have done differently. Sometimes we replay the scenario over and over again in our minds. And when we are resilient and at our best, we are able to look at the mistake objectively, and learn from it, increasing our confidence, knowledge and abilities.

But what if others don’t move on?
You are resilient. You learn from your mistake, and are ready to take on new responsibilities. But you notice you aren’t getting them.

Because your manager hasn’t moved on. He holds onto the mistake you made and is unwilling to give you more responsibility.

What happens then?

I was recently talking with a leader who had been at her organization for over 20 years. Several years ago, she took a risk and created a new project that she was excited about. She had put a lot of time, energy and thought into it.

The project failed. She was disappointed, of course, but she learned from it and gained new skills and critical thinking abilities as a result.

But her manager didn't forget it. He continued to reference the failure during their conversations and in meetings, and would occasionally even make subtle jokes about it.

This manager could not get past this one mistake. His inability to move on took his toll on the leader.  She became more cautious. She became less engaged and less invested.

This dynamic eventually led this skilled and valuable woman to leave the organization.  She could no longer tolerate being reminded of a mistake she had made years before, one from which she learned and grew.

What’s this mean for managers?
If you're a people manager, what do you do when someone makes mistakes?

Do you bring it out into the light, discuss and examine it together in order to help your team to learn from it so that all can do better next time?

Do you try to ignore it, in which case it’s likely to happen again?

Or, as in the above, do you hold it against someone when they fail, using it as a subtle shaming reference?

Being a leader requires self-awareness and intention. I invite you to share your ideas about how you were able to turn a failure into a great learning opportunity for yourself or your team. Let’s talk about turning mistakes into development opportunities the support even smarter risk taking and innovation.

Set up time to talk to me now at https://app.acuityscheduling.com/schedule.php?owner=13527478&appointmentType=12509667

A while back, I was talking to a client, Peter, and he had been experiencing a lot of stress. He was telling me that he was feeling the weight of the organization, like he was having to hold the whole organization together.
 
That's a lot of stress for one person to feel.
 
As we were exploring it further, Peter shared a recent interaction with his manager. His manager was reflecting on a project and told Peter that he really appreciated the quality of his work and the effort he put in – that he had done a great job.

It was nothing more than a one-on-one, heartfelt conversation recognizing Peter for work that mattered.
 
Peter said to me:
 
"That felt so good. It felt great for somebody to know what I was doing and to appreciate it, because I think a lot of the work I do is behind the scenes, invisible. People don't really know about it. So to hear my manager say that he saw it and he appreciated it felt incredible."
 
These moments of recognition matter.
When was the last time that someone recognized you for your efforts? Can you remember someone sharing genuine gratitude and appreciation for your contributions?
 
If you can remember that moment, you remember how it felt. And how important it was to you.
 
In general, we don’t recognize people enough. We have a tendency to point out the things that people can do better in an effort to help them grow, but not to highlight all the things that are going well.
 
Regular recognition and appreciation is just as crucial to growth. It gives us confidence that we’re on the right track, and motivation to continue taking on challenging tasks that push us to expand our skills and abilities.
 
More motivating than money?
 
When I was talking to Peter about how great he felt about the recognition he received, he was sure to add, “You know, if they want to give me more money, I'm not going to say no!"
 
But the money wasn't the driving force behind his motivation.
 
Daniel Pink says you just need to pay people enough money to take the money conversation off the table. What motivates them to stay, grow, contribute and add value? It’s the intangibles, like gratitude, appreciation and recognition.
 
Finding out how to recognize your people
 
Shortly after working with Peter, I had the opportunity to have a conversation with his manager. When his manager asked me what motivated Peter, I was able to tell him about how much recognition and appreciation for his efforts meant to him.
 
The manager was so relieved to hear this because he had no idea how to support Peter in staying motivated.
 
The truth is that most people don't know what motivates others unless they do some very intentional trial and error to figure it out. So what can you do if you’re not lucky enough to just have me walk in and tell you how to motivate your people?
 
You ask.
 
Ask during onboarding. Ask during one on ones. Ask after you’ve given recognition. Make it clear that you care about giving them what they most need.
 
I have a list I've created of 10 great questions to ask your direct reports in your one-on-ones. Just shoot me an email and I’ll be glad to send you a copy.